


And Pray They Don't Grow Up to Be Me

by toomuchagain



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Episode: s09e06 Heaven Can't Wait, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 09:01:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomuchagain/pseuds/toomuchagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes Dean a beat or two after Cas has shut himself in the car to stop standing there and follow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Pray They Don't Grow Up to Be Me

It takes Dean a beat or two after Cas has shut himself in the car to stop standing there and follow.

Cas fiddles with his vest, drawing it into his lap from where it was discarded on the Impala’s floor. His fingers pick at the buttons, the little plastic nameplate with the wrong name on it.

The Impala’s door creaks as Dean opens it and slides in. Cas can feel him shoot a glance his way, but he doesn’t look up. It’s all he can do right now to hold back the roiling suffocation threatening to deconstruct him just as effectively as Ephraim’s powers.

He hides a thick swallow under the rumble of the engine turning over and ducks his head to the side like he’s just watching Nora’s house roll out of sight.

"Hey, Cas, ya know, it’s not the end of the world. I mean, yeah, sure it sucks she just wanted you to babysit, but there’s other girls out there. You’ll find someone. Maybe even someone who’s not a demon, huh? Or out for the bounty on your head?"

Cas doesn’t need to look to know Dean’s got that little half smile on his mouth and that pinched look around his eyes.

"Sure," Cas sighs, letting his forehead rest against the glass. Dean waits like he thinks Cas might add something. When nothing more is forthcoming, he clears his throat and taps a little beat on the steering wheel.

Raising his voice, “So, uh, where we headin’? Bar? Strip club? Bowling? Can’t just go home—it’s only like 9:30.”

It’s like a knife to the gut and Cas suddenly can’t breathe.

Of course he can’t go home. He has no home. Dean kicked him out of home. Certainly, he hadn’t really been at the bunker long enough to call it home, but anywhere Dean is has been his home for years now, and Dean doesn’t want him.

A flush of shame follows hot on the knife’s heels as he realizes that Dean thinks he has a home here. He almost chokes on the words as he imagines telling Dean he’s living in the storeroom at the Gas-n-Sip. A tiny, vindictive, childish part of him wants to say it anyway.

_Oh, I don’t know, I’ve got to open tomorrow morning. Best get some sleep._

_You sure, Cas? I mean, I’ve got some time…_

_No, Dean, I’m sure. You should get back home, where it’s safe. Sam’s probably worried._

_Yeah, okay,_  Dean would say, his voice quiet and hurt. He’d look down like the weight of his betrayal was too much. He’d continue,  _So you wanna give me directions?_

 _Oh, no,_  Cas would respond blithely, unconcerned (not brittle, voice cracking and something trying to crawl into his lungs).  _You remember where the Gas-n-Sip is, right?_ _  
_

Cas doesn’t say this, imagining the expression it would put on Dean’s face: gutted, miserable. He comforts himself with the fiction of Dean really regretting kicking him to the curb. The fiction that Dean wishes he could undo what he’s done. That he actually wants Cas with him.

But it’s just a fiction.

So Cas packs that away, bundles it all up and shoves it somewhere far, far in the back corners of his sternum where it aches like a physical pain, and shakes his head.

"Can we just…drive?" he asks, closing his eyes.

"Yeah, okay."

Dean doesn’t sound sure, but he shuts up, and he drives.

He keeps driving, long past when Cas thought he’d get bored, or tired and pull over, or start asking more questions. But he stays silent, and some not-so-tiny, thrivingly masochist part of him greedily basks in Dean’s presence, praying to a God he knows has abandoned them that the night will never end and Dean won’t drop him off at the gas station and drive away, leaving him all alone again.

But the light of dawn inexorably creeps into the sky.

Cas squeezes his eyes shut harder and measures each breath and wishes he had the guts to reach across the seat and take Dean’s hand.

Cas swallows. He squeezes his eyes shut harder. He measures each breath.

The day rises.

Dean drops him off and drives away.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Golden by Fall Out Boy


End file.
